My Collection Kills V/H/S

Dammit, didn’t I just say that some of the worst movies are the most fun?! I have terrible taste. I will watch anything and tell you why it’s not a total waste of your time and money.

BUT…

I don’t appreciate being lied to. Fangoria…Bloody Disgusting…I’m giving you the evil eye right now. Please stop hyping up shitty movies and giving them limited release or making people “demand it” when all it is is a Horrorland cast-out. If this doesn’t stop, I’m gonna come up there and summon demons to rise up and destroy you.

This has been a warning.

I got all dolled up, drove completely out of my way, and spent money on this.

It is a movie written BY drunk frat boys FOR drunk frat boys and nothing more.

And the sad part is, you’d have to pause it to get a good look at the tits that keep popping out every 6 minutes or so because the over-used “found footage” shtick will make you puke if you try too hard to figure out what the hell it is you’re seeing. I don’t even get motion sickness, and I was ready to just lay down and die from the relentless headache I got from trying to focus for two hours.

TWO HOURS.

Ugh. This one overstayed its welcome. Every time a segment ended with the drab blue screen, the audience and myself would sigh and peek at our phones to see how much longer we had to endure this crap. One guy smoked a joint. My guess is, it made it easier for him to get a nice nap in during the most boring and pointless segments…which were everything surrounding the first, Amateur Night.

The entire movie serves no purpose other than to provide a great seedbed of ideas for future quality horror writers.

And therein lies my frustration. There were two or three good concepts in this film. To say that they were just “poorly executed” would be giving the filmmakers too much credit. Literally only certain images or lines can be pegged as great ideas, or as us writers refer to them – high concepts.



The first being the idea behind Amateur Night. Tape # 1.

 
Three frat boys (big shock) rent a hotel room, outfit the nerdiest of the trio in glasses that hold a hidden webcam, and hit the clubs and bars to find poor, drunk, unsuspecting waifs to bring back to the hotel and slap their boobies around.

The nerd, of course catches the eye of a pretty little thing. She’s a weirdo, though, and all the conversation he can have with her consists of her whispering, “I like you,” and maintaining a constant state of disorientation. Her name is Lily. How original. The thing about Lily is this:



Remember that really stupid joke Dane Cook made about his sex dream involving a dragon lady that carried him off into the night? These writers heard that and basically ran with it.

Now, I remember an episode of Angel with a similar premise regarding a parasite that used its host to snag a one-night-stand and switch bodies. Not original, by any means, but one of those great little seeds for an idea that you file away for later use. This one had a similar feel to it with the use of a winged succubus. They almost impressed me with this one. In fact, I’d have to endure another viewing, but I think the rest of V/H/S is what ruined this one good segment for me.







Tape # 2… Second Honeymoon
Had absolutely nothing to do with anything at all. The married couple have zero chemistry, zero sex, trite dialogue, stupid fights, a boring vacation, and they sleep in separate beds in a germy hotel room. I know this because we wasted precious minutes discussing how germy the room was. *sigh*

A strange woman knocks on the door, you see nothing of the interaction between her and the honeymooners. Then she stands over them, videotaping them sleeping, pulls out a knife, steals some money, swishes the dude’s toothbrush around in the toilet, and leaves. *sigh*

Then there’s more precious time wasted.

Then the mysterious visitor cuts dude’s throat and the two women make out.



I could have stayed home and watched an episode of Snapped on Lifetime and it would have had the same effect…nothing.



Tape # 3… Tuesday the 17th

Think Friday the 13th if Uwe Boll wrote and directed it.

That’s about it.






Tape  # 4…  The Sick Thing That Happened To Emily When She Was Younger

Quite possibly the worst segment in a horror anthology EVER MADE.

A needy girlfriend in a haunted apartment Skypes with her boyfriend who says he’s in medical school far, far away.

Ghosts run around. One time, they knock her down and the boyfriend who was supposed to be far away came in and pulled a fetus out of her spleen.

The end.

Yeah. Stay with me. It’s almost over. Shhh, quit with the questions. I can’t tell you why or how because the writers of this pile of shit didn’t give me anything to go on, here.



Tape # 5…  10/31/98

On Halloween night in 1998 a bunch of frat boys (surprise!) got dressed up in stupid costumes and searched for a Halloween party. The house is completely empty and weird shit is going on and they even have the opportunity to run out the front door, but they don’t because there was a girl upstairs being tortured by old men that were being pulled up into the rafters for absolutely no reason whatsoever. But this chick is probably attached to a pair of tits, so hey…let’s save her.

Then Amityville happened. Arms were involved. And some of the effects were cool, but not enough to save this puddle of piss that critics have been calling the best horror film of the year.





As for the main plot of this anthology (Tape 56) regarding a bunch of hooligans that destroy things and molest women on tape for sale to porn sites and the random zombie that woke up from a long nap and ate them for no apparent reason whatsoever…I can’t possibly even care. Worst writing I’ve witnessed in film history. Seriously, they didn’t even try to give this anthology a back bone.


So pardon me for reneging on my previous post’s entire point, but this movie was a huge waste of Horrorland.

There’s good stupid movies that make fantastic guilty pleasures, and then there’s stupid movies that people are paid to tell you are the best you’ll ever see.

I hate liars.

In light of this revelation, I’ll be removing Google Adsense from Horrorland. Know that my opinions and reviews are nothing short of genuine. My approval cannot be bought. You’re welcome.


Love and Gore,
Malice